by Dick Wolfsie

     LONDON: A woman who keeps quiet during an argument with her husband is four times more likely to die from heart disease and other causes. Women who argue with their husbands are warding off heart disease and other causes of death.

     This interesting study was published in the American Heart Association (AHA) journal, a publication I don't read but I really don't have to because the information always ends up in USA Today so that it can drive more men like me nuts.

     So, let me understand this. If I argue with my wife, I'm a boorish brute and a sexist. But if she wants to argue with me, she'll live longer. Ain't research great?

     This is the same newspaper that just revealed to the public that drinking several cups of coffee a day is good for your health - only months after they said coffee caused heart disease. For a long time, they said it was tea that was good for you, so now I'm drinking both tea and coffee four times a day just to be sure. I'm not convinced I will live longer, but since I can never fall asleep, it will certainly feel longer.

     Just last night my wife and I had a pretty big disagreement. While she was yelling at me I drank four cups of Maxwell House.

     "Dick, we're having a debate and instead of defending yourself like a man, you just keep gulping down more coffee."

     "Do you think that you're the only one who wants to live to be 100?"

     My wife and I have argued about some odd stuff over the years. "Argue" is probably a bad choice of words, not because it is inaccurate but because Mary Ellen always reads this column before it goes to the magazine. She thinks that if I tell people we argue, the public will assume we don't get along. We talked about this the other day. Our voices got louder, and we shook our fingers at each other. In the end, I'd say I lost the argument, but now I know it was just a discussion.

     Truth is, we have debated just about everything in our 25 years of marriage: how to eat popcorn, when to nap, how to load a dishwasher, how to cook a scrambled egg. We once debated whether my mother knew how to raise a son. I thought my mom had done a pretty good job, but I must admit Mary Ellen provided some very convincing evidence to the contrary.

     I must not be a very good debater, because I seem to lose the exchange even if I have most of the facts in my favor. For example, I was pretty sure my wife was 54 years old. I presented her passport and her driver's license to bolster my position. Mary Ellen was pretty adamant that no woman at age 54 could possibly have a pair of legs as nice as hers. I must admit, this was fairly convincing evidence.

     I'd sure like to be at the Department of Motor Vehicles when she presents her case.

     I hope that the two of us have many more heated discussions. I figure if she keeps yelling at me in order to stay healthy, we can look forward to another 30 years of pure marital bliss - as long as I keep guzzling coffee.

     I know you are tempted to say, "Wouldn't that be grounds for divorce?"

     You should be ashamed of yourself.

     Wolfsie has been a talk show host and reporter in Indianapolis for more than

     20 years, the last 13 at WISH-TV. He is the author of five books, including Barney: The Stray Beagle who Became a TV Star and Stole Our Hearts

     (Emmis Books, $14.95).

Article appears as published in the IW issue.